I grew up in a Catholic home, yet, God seemed so far away. When I was fifteen, I went to a retreat where I encountered God’s powerful love for me and His pleasure in me. I realized that God was so different than I had ever imagined! I experienced God’s joy and delight, and we soon became best friends.
After this retreat, the Lord slowly began to speak to me about my vocation. This was through a Catholic conference where I saw nuns for the first time. I was shocked! And delighted. I was blown away by their kindness, gentleness, and love. I worked up the courage to talk to some of them and began to collect their pamphlets like trading cards. I stuck these into a shoebox and when I was alone in my room, I would pull these out and ponder over all the different orders. The Spirit began to stir in my heart.
My fervor faded after a few years when I met others who were also discerning religious life. I became discouraged and thought the Lord must not love me in this way. After years of putting these thoughts to the side, a seminarian friend visited my university. His lifestyle of radical availability to God amazed me. I began to ask myself again what happened to my desire for religious life.
This began a period of restlessness. Though I had many experiences that pointed me towards religious life, my heart wasn’t convinced. I struggled to truly listen to where the Lord was calling me and I began to date an old friend. In short order, the restlessness and heaviness increased. I couldn’t pray. I wasn’t myself. It became unbearable the more I tried to pursue this relationship. In reflection after the experience, the Lord revealed to me why this was so. This was一I discovered一because the Lord made me for Himself. This set me free and joy returned! I needed a concrete experience to know for myself that: “I am not my own, I am Jesus’; He must be my only love” (St. Kateri Tekakwitha). I realized then that the Lord had already captured my heart and in response, I chose to be His.
