I have a longing deep down in my heart to go on a pilgrimage walking the Camino de Santiago in Spain. Maybe not walking the full 500 km, but at least part of it. One of the places I want to experience is spending time at the “Cruz de Ferro.” At this point on the trek, the pilgrim is called to leave a small rock which he/she has been carrying with them since the beginning of their journey. It symbolizes leaving your burdens and worries down at the foot of the cross. Will I get there some day? I hope so.
Why am I telling you this and what does it have to do with St. Joseph? Each year here in Community, we are given a different Saint to walk with. This year, St. Joseph is my Saint friend. I recently had the opportunity to go on a silent weekend retreat. I love retreats, as God always shows up. My focus was not only to spend time with God but to spend time with St. Joseph as well. At this particular time, I was feeling overwhelmed, anxious, tired, and in need of some time away with the Lord to get rejuvenated and refocused after a few busy months in Community. Before I departed, one of my sisters had a Holy Spirit prompting to take a small rock with me and leave it at the foot of St. Joseph, as I would at the Cruz de Ferro on the Camino.
On Saturday morning, I found myself walking outside in the cold brisk air and I ventured over to the statue of St. Joseph that they have on the property of the retreat center. I was excited to see my new friend and to have the opportunity to speak with him, especially since no one else was around. As I stood there, I remembered the word about the rock. Unfortunately, I had forgotten said rock at home, so I walked over to the garden that I knew was not far from that spot. I looked down and found a single small stone waiting for me. I picked it up and returned to St. Joseph. As I looked up at him holding Jesus, I began to pray.
I held the rock tightly in my hand and spoke from a place deep down inside my heart where I tapped into those feelings and emotions that I have been known to stuff way down. I told St. Joseph and Jesus that the small rock represented all my struggles, my insecurities, my doubts, and my fears from the past few months. As I spoke, I realized that the stone was also my hardness of heart that had been developing towards myself and others. Lastly, it was for the times that I tend to stone myself when I fall short of being the perfect person I think I am supposed to be and for failing to reach the high expectations I have set for myself. You see, these are all lies that I have come to believe throughout my life. For as long as I can remember, I have been a person who tries to please those around me. This is where that struggle with perfectionism comes in. Even though I know with all my heart and mind that I am loved by others and that I do not have to do anything to earn that love, my deepest fear is disappointing those whom I love. These were all things that I needed to let go of.
I prayed for an infilling of the Holy Spirit and for peace to come to the chaos that was inside my head. I asked for Jesus to reveal his truth to me. I declared out loud his truth that I am enough, I am strong, and that I am loved. Most importantly, I believed and declared that I am broken and that is perfectly okay. After a short time, I took the rock and laid it down at the foot of St. Joseph and Jesus. I asked them to take these burdens from me and continue to walk with me throughout the rest of my retreat and beyond.
That little action was so freeing for me. I could feel peace return both to my mind and to my heart. I walked away as a different person. When I returned to the statue the next day before leaving for home, the small stone was still where I left it. All I could do was smile and thank St. Joseph for being there for me when I needed him. I have treasured his friendship more and more since that day. I continue to lay everything down at the foot of St. Joseph, because where he is, so too is Jesus.
I love your story! Praying for you at this moment for your continued healing.
Thank you Sr. Alison. Praying we all find the courage to make room for God’s healing grace and mercy. 🙏🙏🙏
This was as if someone had written down exactly my thoughts. Thank you Sister Alison for taking the time to share your experience and your spiritual insights.
Thank you Charles!