There is an old Chinese proverb that says, “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” In mid-March, I did just that. I took a step towards inner freedom and self-acceptance. These are two things I have been struggling with for a very long time. I had the blessing to attend a retreat called Triumph. This was a nine-day retreat that was filled with a lot of heart work, as I can best describe it. It was a journey into inner healing and discovering joy in life again; a joy that I had lost a while back.
The week before Sr. Anna passed away, she had presented this retreat to me and asked if this would be something I would be interested in attending. It only took a day for me to pray about it before giving her my ‘yes’ to attend. At the end of that week, I tried to register, but I was put on a waiting list. There was hope, as I was number two on the list. However, I could not pray for someone to drop out (as that would not be nice), so I simply told the Lord that if I were meant to attend this retreat, he would have to open up a spot for me.
That following Tuesday – exactly one week after I gave my ‘yes’ – Sr. Anna passed away.
At that point, I thought the retreat was lost, and there was no way I could go. While the community was in the midst of funeral planning, I received the call that a spot had opened up, and I was asked if I wanted to take it. I inquired how long I had to decide explaining the situation and was told that, because of the current circumstances, they would hold the spot until the end of February. A couple of Sisters and I took this to prayer, and a week later, we all agreed that Sr. Anna would have still wanted me to go.
As I entered the retreat, I had a prayer on my heart from Fr. Bob Bedard, CC, “Not ready, Lord, but willing.” I didn’t know what to expect during those nine days. I just knew that I was called to be at this retreat and that I needed help to find my way back to joy. I surrendered all to Jesus and put him in charge of this journey. I knew in my heart that I only needed to follow, as I was not alone. This retreat was not going to be an easy one, as healing and freedom are never easy, but knowing Jesus was walking with me gave me great peace.
I won’t go into great detail about what happened during the retreat, but I will share one of my biggest takeaways. During one of the sessions, the leader, Jerry, spoke about being a “highly sensitive person.” He started by sharing 25 statements and said that if they described us, we were to make a tick mark on our paper. I ended up with 23/25. He then went on to say that being a highly sensitive person is a gift given by God. We need to embrace that in ourselves, or if you are not a sensitive person, to embrace it for those you know who are sensitive.
I suppose I always knew I was highly sensitive, but I never saw it as a gift or a blessing. I saw it as a weakness and a negative trait. For instance, when I need to make a decision, I can take a good amount of time to decide, as I think through every scenario, weighing the options. Then, when I do get to a decision, it is not always in confidence; whereas some people can be very quick in making up their mind on the same subject. As I listened to this talk, I realized that a trait of being sensitive is that I can struggle with negative self-talk. However, as the retreat continued, I learned ways to live more in truth and light. By the end of the week, I was catching my negative thoughts more quickly, kicking them out of my head, and finding the truth. To be honest, I shocked myself a couple of times when I did this. Being able to accept who I am as a sensitive person was the first big step in self-acceptance and self-love..
As the final song played to end the retreat, we all stood in a circle, hand in hand. The words of the song touched me so deeply that all I could do was let the gift of tears flow down. I struggled to say goodbye to my new friends, but as they each hugged me, I just said I’m sensitive, and that is okay! This would bring laughter and soothe my sorrowing heart. Now, my next task is to find ways to control the sensitivity better and bring it down some. I am who I am; that is how God made me, and I choose not to be ashamed of it any longer. Thank you, Jesus!
Lastly, near the end of the retreat, I realized that this retreat was a final earthly gift from Sr. Anna to me. When that settled in my heart, tears came to my eyes as I wept with joy and with grief. I could see clearly that I was never alone during the retreat. Not only did Jesus and Mamma Mary walk with me, but Sr. Anna was with me every step of the way. Today, as I look at her prayer card, it seems that she is smiling bigger at me as she is proud of how far I have come and where this journey will continue to take me. I still miss her deeply, and I always will. But knowing she is watching over me, over all of us, eases my broken heart a little more.
Thank you, Sr. Anna! Pray for us!
Have you ever lost a loved one? If so, what was their final earthly gift to you? We give the Lord permission to speak his love to us through these close loved ones today.
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